Grow Up?

Apr 102015
 

Peter PanI’m at that awkward stage. You know; the one where you realize that while you were growing old, you may not have grown up.

Yes, I can refer to my numerical age without sweating, ducking or gulping but I still avoid mentioning it whenever possible. It would appear I have an issue with acceptance, which I assumed would come with age.

Silly me.

I’m not old, at least not in my head (although my head is sometimes filled with a nasty voice reminding me that numbers don’t lie). I’m not precisely “retired” either, although my job is, strictly speaking, an avocation and based on my tax returns, not likely to turn into a valid vocation, if by valid we mean: it pays.

But what really unsettles me is how unsettled I feel. Aren’t I supposed to feel tranquil, calm, at peace? You know, things a mature person might be feeling?

What the hell?

young Nikki scowling at sisterMind you, I’ve had decades to get to a peaceful place. My agitation and my awareness that I was prone to agitation began early. I had plenty of opportunities to get rolfed or take EST or get better at meditating or go on retreats or find my center/balance or at least manage my temper, which is actually a way of managing my fear.

How many years does that take?

And, over the decades, I’ve become fearful of fewer things; so perhaps there’s been some forward movement. I still have meltdowns. I still yell, okay, scream at the vapid stupidity that surrounds me. Don’t get me started on customer service or rogue cops or religious fanaticism. I still come down harder on myself than anyone should. My failure to grasp the intricacies of rapidly changing technology, always billed as “simple”, infuriates me. Some days I detest all humankind, some days I despair on its behalf.

What am I to think about these feelings?

What I think is: This is not the mark of a mature woman.

What I also think is: Who cares?

I’m not here to promote the virtues of being a diva or giving in to every emotion one may be inclined to feel.

On the other hand, being, uh, “emotional” may be less a sign of immaturity than a sign that I’m simply an older version of myself: a tad more aware, a touch more in control but basically me.  Because while I fret and stew, I also revel, laugh out loud, dance and, in my mind at least, cartwheel on the beach.

So the package consists of emotions good and bad only mildly tempered by time. This is the version of me I have to offer. Take it or leave it.

Having said that, I need to stand guard against turning into a crotchety old person. I must resist the onset of “irritable at everything and everybody syndrome”, no matter how much these young whippersnappers tick me off.

Nikki and Molly at play

 

How Civil Is Your Part of the World?

Mar 102015
 

Democrats and Republicans brawling cartoon

This survey is designed in order to maximize interest and minimize the time it might take us to create a Buzzfeed-type quiz where an anonymous algorithm assigns to you a random and completely arbitrary ranking or identity. None of that means anything. Instead we’re requesting that you read and reply by copying and pasting the questions into the comment back along with your T/F response. Please let us know where you’re living (without getting into specifics like addresses or PO box numbers). Finally, please accept our sincere thanks for actually responding.

If you’d like some reference material related to civil behavior, you might like to check out  this list written by George Washington.

Where you live, true or false:

  1. The police are not viewed as enemies.
  2. The police don’t view civilians (even some civilians) as the enemy.
  3. It is possible to get an appointment to see your doctor in a timely fashion.
  4. Your neighbors pick up after themselves, whether it be garbage, papers, dog poop, or towels at the gym.
  5. Road rage is a relatively rare occurrence.
  6. Hearing “please” and “thank you” is a relatively common occurrence.
  7. People return phone calls, emails or text messages in a timely fashion.
  8. People are tolerant of their fellow citizens’ differences.
  9. People are more accepting of uncontrollable forces of nature.
  10. Drivers yield to pedestrians, pedestrians mind the bicycles, bicyclists mind pedestrians, and everyone watches out for kids and dogs.
  11. Parents, teachers and school administrators aren’t at odds.
  12. Local community meetings are open and well attended.
  13. The locals have elected to their country’s governing body someone whose idea of good governance is to oppose, subvert, embarrass, harass and harangue the opposition.

10 Shades of Winter Gray

Feb 222015
 

snow covered treesShades of gray on a winter’s day

1.  I like ice cooling my wine and salt coating my margarita glass. Now ice and salt are coating my driveway and I hate them both.

2.  The sky is almost always gray, although I saw the sun briefly yesterday. It was unfamiliar and hurt my eyes.

3.  My dog is adjusting to the sameness of the winter landscape. She may like bland. She may also be colorblind.

4.  I have the luxury of noticing how blah the days are.

5.  The rare warm day is like the good-looking guy who promises to call. You know he won’t, but you fall for it every time.

6.  I’ve learned to walk like a duck: toes out, legs slightly bent. It’s not a walk I ever wanted to learn.

7.  In Maine they say there is no bad weather, just bad apparel choices. I don’t live in Maine.

8.  All my clothes seem to all be gray or black.

9.  I used to spell gray with an “e” until I realized I’m not British.

10. I understand the concept of climate change. I know it’s the warmest winter ever in Moscow, for example, and that Australia experienced record-breaking high temperatures during their winter last year. I know the icecaps are melting and polar bears are starving. I realize in the near term the changes will result  in unpredictable weather, given to temperature fluctuations and intense storms, rather than an immediately foreshortened winter. Information isn’t always power. I am still powerless to cancel winter.

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