It Will Be Spring

Mar 112022
 

 

There’s a lot of hurt in the world right now—mental, physical, emotional. Between the havoc wreaked by the pandemic and the changing climate, and the dangerous machinations of another would-be tyrant with nuclear weapons, we face a period of instability that was unimaginable just, oh, six years ago.

Let’s face it; we’re in crisis mode. Tempers are frayed. Everyone is outraged or afraid—or both. Loss seems ever-present: loss of income, health, status, freedom, control. We’re all so angry, which is to say we’re feeling powerless or vulnerable, even if we can’t admit it.

Six years ago, I wasn’t considering a shoulder replacement (or maybe it was a “someday” sort of proposition). I couldn’t imagine that my sister would contract a fatal disease, and I wasn’t thinking about my faithful canine companion getting old.

I could spend the rest of this post bemoaning the state of affairs in the world, except for this: I need to acknowledge that despite everything that’s going wrong, spring will still appear in the next few weeks.

Spring is all about the new—new growth, new life, new freedom from coats, gloves, and bare branches. It serves as a metaphor for hope. While it may be challenging to spark joy in the darkest months of the year, halfway through March, I start to feel uplifted. Foolish perhaps but also necessary.

My neighbor reminds me that one last storm will hit us here on the mid-Atlantic coast this weekend. I remind him that we’ll have light extending into the evening when we turn the clocks ahead. Besides, the birds know what’s coming. We’re inundated with robins, cardinals, blue jays, and the ever-present mockingbird, along with a couple dozen other types who live in the woods behind my house. In just a few days, we move above freezing and we don’t look back.

I’m ready to embrace the season, even with one arm, and take in the promise it brings.

HOW YOU DOIN’?

Sep 092021
 

Last week, someone hacked my Facebook account. My clever friends knew not to answer the strange messages, which read, “Hello: How you doin?” as if a non-English speaker had been watching too many episodes of “Friends.” By the time we all reported the hacker, they had moved on.

Still, the message prompted a couple of thoughts. We ask each other how we’re doing all the time. But what is it we really want to know? Or rather, how much do we want to know?

Let’s face it; the question comes with built-in, often invisible boundaries. It’s a little bit more than “hello” or a passing nod. But how much more?

The short answer is context. When you ask, are you checking in after a specific event, i.e., your neighbor just had a baby, or your friend was in a fender-bender? Are you passing the time of day? Are you inquiring about someone you know well, know in passing, don’t know at all, or haven’t seen for a while? Do you expect an answer? Are you prepared for one?

I sometimes ask people how they’re doing. Not just to be polite: I ask people I care about, people who seem distressed, or people with whom I’d like to have a conversation. I don’t pose the question casually these days. Maybe because I’m aware that quite a few people are struggling with how they’re doing. We seem to be simultaneously starved for companionship and leery of anyone’s judgement. Most of us are feeling a lack. Plenty of us are anxious or grieving.

I’m especially sensitive to that idea when 9/11 swings around. This time of year, the question of how I’m doing comes back at me. Twenty years is a big anniversary for those of us whose personal loss combined with a national period of mourning. Nevertheless, between the passage of time and the many other momentous occasions we’ve collectively experienced, people will forget to ask during this week.

That’s fine with me. I’ve long ago relinquished the idea that my pain is lesser or greater than that of anyone else. The loss of my beloved husband in a terrorist attack will always be a major loss in my life. But other events large and small have also caused injury. My struggles with the older version of my body. My sister’s recent death. The level of misinformation and disinformation lodging itself into the cultural conversation. The rising hate and fear-fueled division. My own anxiety concerning current events and yes, my own resentment at how hard I have to work—how hard we all have to work—to see the good in the world.

But maybe the work is the point. Maybe having to be so damned resilient is how we become better people. Overcoming loneliness or depression or distress, looking out instead of in, facing the unknown, forcing ourselves out of our comfort zones even if the pandemic and the increasing number of weather events keeps us physically in place for a time. Insisting on hope, even in small doses.

So, to those of you who have written or texted or posted or called to or to ask how I’m doing or to tell me you are thinking of me: I’m doing better than okay, and I’m thinking of all of you as well.

You might also be interested:
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/09/08/nyregion/9-11-new-york-remember.html

Goodbye, Gray Mountain

Mar 292021
 

By any objective measurements, this past winter was a rough one. While COVID hospitalizations and deaths rose and variants threatened, while insurrectionists desecrated the Capitol, while a number of regions experienced punishing weather events, while the gap between the prudent and the reckless grew and it became apparent that a sizeable portion of the population subscribed to views that seemed rooted in the 15th century or maybe outer space–while all that was happening, I watched the gargantuan pile of snow next to my house for signs of spring.

Space is at a premium in my development, and that includes space to pile the snowfall that is cleared from the driveways and courtyards. The small area between my semi-detached townhouse yearly plays host to an abominably large mound I’ve dubbed Gray Mountain. As that side of the house is shaded, the melt is slow.

Gray Mountain represents everything I hate about winter. It’s rock hard, dirty, immovable, and it seems to last forever. Every year I promise myself I’ll trust its demise to time and the elements, and every year I take out my twenty-year-old ice chopper and hack away at it.

This winter, scarcely a year after my sister’s unexpected death and after a quarantine that left me feeling disconnected from the world, I began to attack it with particular ferocity the minute the temperature went above freezing. I would go for a walk so I could compare my heap of frozen ice to others in the neighborhood. Then I’d head back home and, risking injury to shoulders, neck, and lower back, I would chip away at it until my body called it quits.

This morning I finished off the last chunk of ice and walked around the exposed sides of my home. Heavy snows always cause some destruction and this year is no exception. A branch of the Japanese maple I planted ten years ago has been nearly severed, although I might be able to salvage it. Other plants and bushes are mangled and broken as well. Some will come back, some won’t.

The winter did a number on me as well. I’m still assessing the psychic and physical damage and looking for ways to make some repairs. Three weeks out from my second vaccine, I am taking the first tentative steps out in public. We’ll see how that goes.

Meanwhile, Gray Mountain is no more, and spring is here.

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