Feb 062024
 

Welcome to February, which I have declared as my new beginning. It’s a logical decision, given that the amaryllis has finally bloomed and I’ve finally begun to walk.

The flowers were a gift from very dear but distant friends during the challenging period following ankle replacement. Throughout December, the bulbs stayed stubbornly stubby as I railed against a thoroughly predictable but no less difficult post-operative month.

December was both the best and the worst possible time for me to get this surgery. Best because assuming all went well, I would be walking in the spring. Worst because it’s a depressing month, made more so by twin anniversaries that remind me of loss, the shorter days, the forced cheerfulness that marks the season. I do like holiday lights, but I couldn’t go out to see them. In fact, I was restricted by a leg in a bulky cast that had to stay above my heart 90% of the time. My plans involved getting to and from the powder room. The highlight of my day was the arrival of the dog walkers.

The initial recovery was complicated by a house with too many stairs and a bumpy start with my home healthcare. Despite two months of advanced planning, I couldn’t manage to get an aide who could both tolerate dogs and help her patient when it was most needed. After just one frustrating week, the aide was replaced by an acquaintance who welcomed the opportunity to earn some money and help me out. With a couple of kids and a full-time job, she couldn’t be 24/7, but her presence at night was most welcome. She kept me from worrying about the possibility of tumbling down the stairs or dealing with a dog emergency (there were none, thank goodness).

My puppy Pepper Ann, not quite a year old, proved essential to my well-being. Even her antics, which included a tendency to snatch towels, gloves, sweaters, hats, shoes, served to entertain or at least occupy me. But she slept through the night and considering the chaos of assorted strangers and clunky equipment, she adjusted remarkably well.

December gave way to January, which included a mix of good news and frustration. The surgeon replaced the three-pound cast with a one-pound walking boot and declared I was “healing nicely.” Great. I was still crawling up the stairs to get to my bed (Believe me when I say relocating to the first floor was never an option). I couldn’t yet walk or drive. The caregiver departed and I was on my own. It’s not easy to make dinner and get the plate on the table while on a knee scooter or a walker.

On the other hand, I had people who showed up to make the all-important Trader Joe’s run or to walk the dog during our torrential rain and the two snowstorms.

During my lowest points, I used Jeremy Renner as inspiration. You may remember (or not know) that last January, the 52-year-old actor got caught under the wheels of a snowplow that weighed more than 14,300 pounds. I’ve avidly followed his recovery as he has fought his way back over the year to health and employment as an action hero. Since my aims were more modest than becoming an Avenger, I told myself I could get through the worst of it.

And I have.

Now it’s February. I received permission to wean myself off the boot and did that in one day (okay, maybe I discarded the boot instead of weaning off it. No going back now). This week, I’ve  substituted a sturdy cane for the walker. I’ve been cleared to drive short distances and that’s a big deal. The rest is between me and my body–and my physical therapist.

I may be ahead of the curve, but I can’t rush this process. Ankle replacement surgery is serious. Recovery is slow.

I will get there. After all, the amaryllis are out in full force to cheer me on. Happy new year.

May 092022
 

I cry easily, almost as easily as I did way back when. It’s a triggered response. Not everything makes me cry, but whatever does—an unbidden recollection, an unwelcome piece of information, a devastating image, a piece of music; really, anything that has to do with loss—and I am ready to weep. More than seventy years on this planet and I still can’t locate, much less disable, that switch. Believe me, I’ve tried.

The best I’ve been able to manage is a near immediate follow-up response that muffles the reaction and keeps the wave from becoming a tsunami, at least in public. I’m not entirely successful at stopping the churn, but I’ve learned to take it down to watery eyes and a choked voice.

April was a cold and rainy month; there were sorrows aplenty. I had shoulder surgery, a good thing but an event that rendered me temporarily more vulnerable and less independent, despite help from wonderful friends. The international and national news pulled me low. The unexpected death of my friend of forty-seven years was a gut punch (although the quiet and dignified way in which his wife, also a dear friend, has handled her loss is a lesson in living with sorrow that is both informational and inspirational). The steady decline of my beloved dog Molly is a daily challenge.

For the record, I laugh, out loud, both publicly and privately. Well, more a giggle or a chuckle, an occasional guffaw or snort. It helps. Singing and dancing are also good for the soul, especially for someone who spends as many hours alone as I do. Sometimes, in the company of friends, I marvel at how I can be so experienced in grief and loss, yet laugh so freely. I appreciate the contradiction, appreciate that something outside me can pull that sound out of me or that I can find it within me.

In the last few years, we’ve all experienced more pain than joy. I’m told that’s to be expected at this time of my life. I don’t like thinking that way. Instead, I remind myself that crying is a release, that my reaction is a sort of cleansing process, that it’s probably good for me (as long as it doesn’t go on forever, I suppose), that holding it in isn’t healthy, and that if my friends can’t handle it, I should get new ones. That I still have more joy to discover.

I hope so. My constant companion, has a host of neurological, cognitive, and physical issues that may not yet threaten her life but negatively affect her quality of life. Pharmaceuticals help, as does abundant patience on my part. Periodically, I’m asked by the vet to measure the ratio of joy and curiosity to pain and apathy in her life. I will likely have to decide when it’s time for her to go, with her help.

Cue the tears.

Meanwhile, in the here and now, Molly wakes from her long nap. She’s gotten up and trotted over, tail wagging and eyes bright as if to ask, “What’s happening?” or maybe “What’s to eat?”

I laugh out loud.

Mar 112022
 

 

There’s a lot of hurt in the world right now—mental, physical, emotional. Between the havoc wreaked by the pandemic and the changing climate, and the dangerous machinations of another would-be tyrant with nuclear weapons, we face a period of instability that was unimaginable just, oh, six years ago.

Let’s face it; we’re in crisis mode. Tempers are frayed. Everyone is outraged or afraid—or both. Loss seems ever-present: loss of income, health, status, freedom, control. We’re all so angry, which is to say we’re feeling powerless or vulnerable, even if we can’t admit it.

Six years ago, I wasn’t considering a shoulder replacement (or maybe it was a “someday” sort of proposition). I couldn’t imagine that my sister would contract a fatal disease, and I wasn’t thinking about my faithful canine companion getting old.

I could spend the rest of this post bemoaning the state of affairs in the world, except for this: I need to acknowledge that despite everything that’s going wrong, spring will still appear in the next few weeks.

Spring is all about the new—new growth, new life, new freedom from coats, gloves, and bare branches. It serves as a metaphor for hope. While it may be challenging to spark joy in the darkest months of the year, halfway through March, I start to feel uplifted. Foolish perhaps but also necessary.

My neighbor reminds me that one last storm will hit us here on the mid-Atlantic coast this weekend. I remind him that we’ll have light extending into the evening when we turn the clocks ahead. Besides, the birds know what’s coming. We’re inundated with robins, cardinals, blue jays, and the ever-present mockingbird, along with a couple dozen other types who live in the woods behind my house. In just a few days, we move above freezing and we don’t look back.

I’m ready to embrace the season, even with one arm, and take in the promise it brings.